Like a Koan

1/31/05 12:08 pm

Haiku like petal dropping, look softly into the jagged brevity
Profound?
Trite?
In the t-shirt mirror I see me.
I guess I would wear that shirt.

lady_moirae
1/31/05 05:43 pm (UTC)

hmmm...
Can't quite put my finger on it...

Maybe 'looking softly into jagged brevity' or 'looking softly in the jagged brevity' would work better - although your way does have the benefit of mimicking the shirt's disjointed phraseology.

"t-shirt mirror" - very nice
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- geek_dragon
  1/31/05 07:24 pm (UTC)
  
  Look softly into the jagged brevity = look at the picture, it has a brief poorly worded phrase ^_-
  
  Good to have some honest critique though, thanks. :)
  - lady_moirae
    2/1/05 12:51 pm (UTC)
    
    Yeah, I flatter myself that I caught the significance - what I was commenting on was the fact that I didn't think that line 'flowed' as well as it could. But that's just my internal editor/ perfectionist talking, all in all, I thought it was good.
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geek_dragon